I try so hard to hate you
I tell anyone who will listen
I don't want you back
I would never want you back
While still quietly defending
Your flaws and faults
I say
You were awful
I say
You hurt me
more than anyone in your position
should
Such an arbitrary thing
Your things still litter my home
my thoughts
From where you left them
thinking you were coming back
I say
I will keep them
I say
It serves him right
And I think of ways to return them
without making you upset
having to face your anger
your tongue is quick and cutting
a well polished stiletto
and I've certainly come to fear it
I try so hard to force you down
make you manageable
swallowable
The force of my urgency
splitting me at the seams
until I am of two minds
I wish you had seen my strength
and not only
what must have seemed
my endless weakness
Dashing myself on your stones
I say
I hate you
I say
You never gave me a chance
I say
It's not fair
But most things aren't
and I know this very well by now
But still I speak it like a mantra
To regain myself I railed against you
Forceful and needing and lost
To regain some semblance of humanity
I misplaced what it actually is
I say
biting back my uncertainties
I only took what I needed
I say
That I don't love you
To fight down the thought
that you are repelled by everything
I am or have become
I can't be sure
But in my dreams
You still talk in those storybook tones
A haunting echo
of when you used to tell me secrets
that you made up just for me
In my dreams you tell me
your regrets
as if you were in the future looking back
ambiguous ghosts
Your stunning realizations
Your tender
heartfelt
implications
And I wake up
Acutely aware of what it was
I actually lost
(I say
you are beautiful)
(I say
amid the caustic words
he's not really a bad person
I say
he used to be so good for me
he used to be
I say
We just did bad things.)
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