I miss him

 

I might admit to a feeling of uneasiness

If I was still capable of such things

If I could scrape free the blind from my eyes

Or raise the veil that clouds my thoughts

 

I miss him

 

His body is the cup my feelings spill into

Yet each drop sinks

into a spiraling void

Endless and irrevocable

Twinkling like stars in the darkness

Until burning out

 

There is a flicker

Like a flame on the tip of my tongue

That I could fall bodily into that

My entire self consumed inside of him

Burned alive or fading out

Emptied of context

 

But he is a winch that pulls me back

 

I want to wind my fingers through his hair

the way I want to twist myself

into the patterns of his thoughts

Make a space for myself against his heartbeat

 

Imperfect

 

And now it's past midnight

But I'm dreaming awake

The miles between us

Begin to feel like my intestines unraveling

And I know I should sleep

But I'm going to him

Into the sickly night air

That dampens my shirt and thickens my breath

 

I feel like I'm underwater

 

I hear a buzzing

Like a blown out speaker

Twisting and chittering in the stillness

Above the droning cicadas

A dragonfly beats himself

Against the plastic dome

on the light above the stairwell

As if his body were tethered to it

Failing to break free of it's gravity

 

And from where I stand

I can see the floors above me

The lights for each floor

And dragonflies

Beating their dissonance

In a chorus like electric currents

 

I trace my eyes upward

Light to light

Until they disappear from view

Lost into inky sky

And a feeling climbs up the back of my throat

 

A second spanning countless moments passes

And I swallow my held breath

And continue to my car

 

He's waiting for me

Out there in the empty hollows

 

And it's time for me to return

(Written in 2013, maybe?)